Day Six: Comfort is a Liverwurst Sandwich

The Purge date: March 21, 2020. Little factoids that make this fun.

I have not seen my son for about a month, after two weeks abroad and two weeks in quarantine. Can't think of a time in all his 33 years that I have not seen that kid for a month.

He came up today in his truck, and we visited at a distance. The neighbors came out, too. There was something about seeing him the flesh, alive and well, that gave me a sense of relief and oddly, normalcy.

 He brought his folding chairs. We exchanged gifts by doing a drop off at the bottom of the river birch.

They came back to no toilet paper or anti-viral wipes, so I donated some to their cause.

Adrienne is an ICU RN returning to work next week. I donated all my masks except the two I've been wearing while out shopping. I told her to put them in tote bag in case she needs them.

They brought me gifties from Spain, France and the UK. I am making an assumption that, since they've been back for two weeks, any virus on these items has expired.

This is Dale, she lives next door. Her S/O is Joe. They both came out to visit as well. We're all starving for some face to face interactions.

Dale and Joe have two month old, and he has a total meltdown every day between 3 and 7 p.m. I can hear him losing his shit and inexplicably this makes me happy; he is life, all new and bright and just figuring out how to manage. I am a little envious that I can't have that kind of meltdown right now. It might be a good release.




Before my Dash came, I worried that seeing him would distress me more, and that perhaps would not be good for my psyche. This afternoon, I feel relieved to see him alive and well. Missing him is like a wound that never quite heals. My son is my best friend and I would give anything to be able to sit next to him and give him a hug.

Right now though, I'm just grateful he is healthy and home.

Yesterday and today I have experienced terrible pain from arthritis in my feet and hands. It takes me a few moments when I stand to gain solid footing. My hands swell and ache, particularly at night. I mention this because while I am usually in some degree of pain every day, this is exceptional. I am wondering if stress is causing cytokine-induced inflammation. Time to start meditating, so on top the Calm app I use, I also installed Headspace for guided meditations.

I had to turn off the damned news this afternoon and went out to do a little gardening. What little bit of gardening I could do. I planted my zucchini sprouts and put in a couple of rows of arugula. The spinach is overgrowing, so I finally cut some and washed the tender inner leaves. Aside from the intermittent power-tools noise from next door, the world was nearly silent of human activity. The birds appear to have taken over, though I know they are always present. Today, yesterday, the day before, we can hear the birds. People are commenting on Facebook how strange it is to hear the birds.

There aren't more birds. Humans just shut up enough for us to hear them. What a beautiful thing it is to hear the natural world.

Love is a Liverwurst Sandwich.

I think we're all suffering a little, even the introverts like me. Visting with my son restored some hope, but then I am here alone with my roommate who, although we do chitchat sometimes -- usually because I instigate conversation -- has little interest in me at all. I want a hug; I think we all want a hug. I will not be hugging him.

During my Safeway foray yesterday my eyes fell on some packages of braunschweiger. Without thinking why, I took a pack. Today I remembered that my dad and I used to eat liverwurst sandwiches together. Braunschweiger is only a stand-in for liverwurst, but it does suffice.

The loaf of sourdough bread, fresh from the oven, slathered in mayonnaise and yellow mustard, thick rings of red onion and braunschweiger, was a call to a time of comfort and fun. My onion breath won't bother anyone since I am ostensibly here alone. My dad has been gone a long time now, about fifty years, but he left me comfort with a liverwurst sandwich.

The statistics today aren't good. 800 deaths in Italy just yesterday. Angela Merckel has tested positive and is on self-quarantine. More and more draconian distancing laws are being implemented everywhere. It looks like the UK has finally, perhaps, caught on that they have a problem.

On the bright side though, Rand Paul tested positive and Atlas shrugged, and we all rejoiced when Harvey Weinstein was too. I think the world has mixed feelings about Weinstein. We want him to die, we want him to live and suffer. We want bad things to happen to him. I want him not to cause any more harm in this world and yet I am 100% certain he has shared this virus magnanimously with his legal team, entire courtrooms, and jail personnel as well as inmates. The gift that keeps on giving.

Finally, I read an article from Coronavirus Act Now that outlines the timeframe we have to work with here in California. TLDR: we essentially have between March 24 - March 29th to get our shit together to prevent a medical infrastructure breakdown as well as enormous fatalities.

There's a part of me that wants the human race to just disappear. I think we are hopeless. Read this about white supremacist groups trying to organize to spread the virus.

Reminder to myself: listen to the birds, remember that they are always there even if we are drowning them out.

Heather/Hanai'ali'i